


Never, Never Let Her Go

by failing_gloriously



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 14:29:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13706370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/failing_gloriously/pseuds/failing_gloriously
Summary: The morning after the final scene.





	Never, Never Let Her Go

**Author's Note:**

> An old work, written way back when I first saw the movie, and was desperate for the story to continue.

A slight twinge in her neck caused Carol to wake from a deep sleep. It had been the kind of fiercely contented and peaceful slumber she hadn’t experienced in ages. She squeezed her lids shut even tighter and tried to hold on to the last lingering wisps of the wonderful dream she’d been enjoying, until finally the last echoes of Billie Holiday crooning and the shadow of the young brunette dancing in front of her evaporated into an indistinguishable blur. She sighed deeply and opened her eyes ever so slightly. Her gaze fell upon the long shaft of light that was streaming in from the small gap in the living room curtains. She watched the dust gently swirling in the beam; the soft, minted quality of the light suggesting dawn must just now be breaking.

Feeling the pain in her neck again, she inwardly cursed herself for falling asleep on the couch with her head resting at the unnatural angle against the armrest. Then suddenly, Carol became aware of the weight against her left side, and in the crook of her arm, on her breast bone, and something else fallen across her waist. She was then aware too of the warm breathe, slow and rhythmic, blowing along the neckline of the dress she still wore from the previous night.

A glimmer of a smile escaped at the corners of her mouth and all thought of the ache in her neck disappeared as the memories of the night before began to flood her mind: The surprise. The relief. The heart-pounding, stomach churning, flood of red-hot joy and desire that had consumed her at the sight of the woman she thought she had lost forever, standing there gazing intently across the floor of the Oak Room. She'd felt ready to burst. She had wanted, with every fiber of her being, to just upturn the table that stood between them and run to her, and embrace her, and kiss her, and mostly just to never, never let her go.

Dinner had been an excruciating affair. A mixture of apprehension and euphoria burned throughout her, and she could hardly comprehend anything anyone said. Thankfully, the young woman was able to hold her own with the others, exchanging small talk and other pleasantries, and describing her latest work at the Times. Carol’s own silence seemed to go relatively unnoticed. My, how fine and grown up she’s become, Carol had thought, no longer a girl, a real woman. She'd cowardly tried to avoid catching the woman’s gaze, afraid that the contact would let loose the dam that was holding in all the unspoken things between them, and which Carol was barely maintaining control of as it was. Finally, when she’d decided by the hand on her watch that enough time had passed as not to appear rude, she’d announced her need to retire for the evening. Locking eyes with the young women for the first time since her initial appearance, Carol had muttered a hopeful, “A ride home… perhaps?”. The young woman had only nodded in return and they’d been silent walking the rest of the way back to Carol’s car.

As Carol drifted back into the present she finally let her eyes wander down to cause of the weight on her side. Still sound asleep and breathing deeply, her body was turned into Carol. Her head rested on Carol's shoulder and chest, and one arm was draped over Carol’s waist. Carol gently squeezed the slumbering woman’s shoulders with the arm that was still secured underneath her, and at the same time lowered her head so that her lips lightly brushed the woman’s ear. “Therese,” she breathed.

No response.

“Theerrreessee,” Carol repeated, with a little more force this time, drawing out each syllable and giving her a gentle shake.

No response.

A smile flickered across her face as she was reminded of how deeply, and late, this darling angel could sleep if given the opportunity. A marching band could be tromping through the street below them, maybe even through the living room itself, and Therese still might not wake Carol mused. The smile quickly faded from her face however as this idea brought along with it the memory of the morning she’d left Therese all those months ago; the morning when she’d risen, disentangled herself from the other’s arms, packed her things and slipped out, all while Therese had slept as soundly as she did now. Carol felt her face growing warm with the pain and shame of the memory. Her eyes began to water and a tear threatened to spill from her lashes. How could Therese possibly not hate me, she asked herself. It’s all I deserve. Carol bit down on the forefinger of her free hand to stifle the sob she felt growing in her throat. She clenched her fist and squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to get a grip.

Carol deliberated just staying put on the couch. If she could only just wrap her arms more tightly around the young woman and stay in this place forever, that would be enough. But after a few more moments it became clear the suspense of waiting for Therese to wake, waiting to hear what she would have to say, was too much for Carol. She desperately needed a distraction and decided to start some coffee for them both.

Sandwiched between Therese and the couch pillows, she she used her free arm to grip the back of the couch and pull herself up, gently sliding her other arm out from under Therese, and then carefully maneuvering over her to finally place her feet on the ground. Therese remained completely undisturbed by the rearrangement. Her breathing even evolved into a soft little snore which made Carol chuckle.

After placing a kiss on the top of the brunette’s head, Carol sauntered into the kitchen, now confident she could whisk together a full breakfast to surprise Therese by the time she would wake. Carol grabbed the tin container on the counter in which she stored her coffee and her expression immediately soured at the weight. “Damn!,” she huffed, opening it to find that there was indeed, barely a single spoonful of beans inside. Annoyed, she slammed the tin back down on the counter but jumped and recoiled at the loud bang it produced. Glancing over her shoulder to see Therese hadn’t stirred at the noise, she went and opened the pantry door. It was disappointingly bare. The refrigerator, not much better. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, she thought. Carol had been taking as many meals out as she could lately, mostly with Abby, unable to stand the torture of being home alone. When she was home, she hadn’t really been in much mood for cooking, or even eating at that matter, so groceries hadn’t been purchased in ages.

However, half an apple served with a glass of water wasn’t exactly the wonderful breakfast spread Carol had imagined. They could go out, but Carol knew they needed to talk, really talk, and that wouldn’t be possible in the public space of a diner or cafe. She resolved that she would have to go buy a few things. Luckily, the market was just on the corner. There was a bakery in between where she could stop on the way back for some fresh pastries. Perfect, she would be back here in less than thirty minutes and it would still be hardly passed 7 o'clock.

Back in the living room, Carol tip-toed in her still stockinged feet over to the side table that held the phone, and scrawled a quick note with the pen and pad beside it. Just in case ‘Sleeping Beauty’ here wakes up while I’m out. She placed the paper on the coffee table where Therese was sure to see it, hesitated, and then also pulled the throw blanket from the chair to cover her. Carol found the pumps that she’d kicked off unceremoniously from her spot on the couch last night, then grabbed her coat and bag and slunk silently out the door.

<->

The sultry sounds of Billie Holiday were reverberating throughout the room from an unseen record player. The tall blonde sat before her looking simply divine in silken pajamas and a robe, rolling her rye around in the glass she held aloft, and the shadow of a laugh still etched in her features. Therese took up her camera in order to capture this magnificent woman here in all her natural beauty, here in her happiness. She raised the view finder towards her eye, but the back of the camera suddenly flew open and long strips of film spilled out onto the rug beneath them. Therese began hurriedly trying to collect all the film, distraught at the thought of what had just been ruined from exposure. At the same time she found that the camera was falling apart in her hands. The lens dropped and rolled across the floor, screws and springs were flying out from all sides. What is happening!? She looked up to see all mirth had left the other woman’s face. Her expression had turned cold and disinterested. “No don’t go, please don’t go!” she cried, as the woman rose and glided towards the door. Therese made to follow her but the rug had grown around her feet and was still creeping up her legs, preventing her every effort to get up. The woman was gone, her head was spinning, and all she could see anymore was the rough, ugly floral pattern woven all around her, slowly suffocating her.

Therese’s eyes flew open and she drew a long shuddering breath. She'd had dreams similar to this one more often over the last few months than she would've liked to admit. Every night she would go to sleep wishing that when the dreams came, just the once, there might be a happy ending.

Deciding a cool glass of water was in order, Therese stretched her arms over her head and made to get up. She suddenly bolted upright and twisted her head around the room, jolted out of her grogginess by confusion from the unfamiliarity of her surroundings. After a moment she finally remembered where she was and the events of last night slowly made their way back to her. She turned her gaze down to the spot next to her where Carol had lain, remembering how lovely it had been to be lying wrapped in her arms, peacefully dozing in front of the last glowing coals of the expiring fire. These thoughts were pushed from her mind however as a stirring of panic begin to creep up from the pit of her stomach.

Therese contorted her body around to look into the kitchen and her pulse quickened upon seeing it was empty. Finding herself now tangled in the throw blanket, she wrestled it off and sprung up from the couch. She cast the blanket aside without looking, not noticing the small white something which fluttered to the ground where the blanket had hit the coffee table and then slid down to puddle on the floor.

“Carol?” It came out like a whimper, hoarse and cracked. She cleared her throat and tried again, raising her voice to firmly call out, “Carol?”.

Therese made her way down the hallway, trying her best to move calmly, but was unable to stop herself from stepping into a trot. All of the doors were ajar, but glancing in, Therese found no one in the spare bedroom or the hall bathroom. She was aware of her breathing, now falling fast and heavy, and of the hot flush that was washing over her. She closed her eyes as she pushed open the last door, the one she knew from her brief tour last night led into the large bedroom that was Carol’s, and crossed the threshold. When she opened them she half expected to see Carol sitting at her vanity, carefully brushing her hair. Therese pictured Carol putting the brush down upon her entrance, and turning to her with that sly smile Therese loved so much to say, “Well good morning sleepy, I missed you.”

But alas, it was all in her head. This bedroom was as cold and empty as the others.

Suddenly feeling dizzy, she grasped the back of the vanity chair for support and slid down shakily onto the seat. She felt the fat, hot tears start rolling down her cheeks but didn’t bother to try and wipe them away. Therese had thought she had already cried out all the tears she could hold for this woman, but here she was again.

She wanted to be angry. She should be angry. She wanted to hate Carol for doing it again. Instead, all she could think was, Why doesn’t she love me enough to stay? What did I do wrong this time? Therese found Carol’s silver backed hair-brush in her hands and began tracing the delicate filigree pattern on the back with her index finger, thinking back to the night before, desperate to find an answer.

Their lengthy silence walking to Carol’s car had been agonizing. Therese was sure that Carol, like herself, was debating what to say, not sure who should speak first, and petrified to say the wrong thing. When they had both finally sat down in the car, slamming the doors shut after them, they spoke at the same time.

“Where do you want me to take— oh.”

“I think I’d like to see your apart— oh.”

Therese returned the small smile Carol flashed her at their bungled attempt to speak, before repeating, “I think I would like to see your apartment if that’s fine.” There had been the slightest quiver in her voice on this second go, but if Carol noticed she didn’t let on.

“Well, alright,” was all Carol said as she pulled away from the curb, though Therese was sure she had caught Carol stifling another grin.

Once at Carol’s place on Madison Avenue, she’d silently followed Carol down the short entryway that emptied into the living room and Carol immediately went into the grand tour. This activity had brought the relief of providing an opportunity for small talk surrounding paint colors and draperies, the wonderful natural light during the day, and whatever else they could turn into a polite little exchange. But soon, they were back in the living room and the strained silence blanketed them once again.

“A drink?” Carol had offered. She was looking at Therese with a clear resolve to appear cool and collected, but Therese could see the anxious, searching look in her eyes that told her Carol was no more calm on the inside than she was.

“Yes, that would be fine.”

“Please, sit.” Carol said, gesturing over her shoulder to the seating area as she walked away into the kitchen. Therese had sat gingerly on the very edge of the couch, unable to relax back into it, waiting for Carol to come back.

Carol returned from the kitchen, two glasses in hand with a healthy portion of rye in each. Handing one to Therese, Carol gracefully seated herself on the couch next to her so that their bodies were turned towards each other, their knees nearly touching. Looking into those piercing blue-grey eyes, Therese had felt herself go numb with the weight of everything she wanted to say, the words catching in her chest.

Before she could find her voice, Carol had taken swallow of the honey colored liquid, quietly cleared her throat and spoke first. “So ah, as I said, well the apartment is big enough for two… though of course I don’t want to be presumptuous… I know you said no before Therese, and I understand—“

“Oh, Carol!” Therese, who was unable to stand the distance, both emotional and physical, any longer, had slid her glass onto the coffee table and then flung herself into Carol’s arms. She’d been pleased to find that the older woman hadn’t shrunk away at her touch, but carefully put down her own glass and returned the embrace with equal fervor.

Therese’s face was buried in Carol’s shoulder and she didn’t realize she was crying until she started to feel the dampness on Carol’s sleeve. Carol only hugged her tighter, gently stroking the back of her head and rocking ever so slightly. “Shhhhh, darling, breath, I’m here my angel, I’ve got you, shhhhh, breath.”

Therese didn’t know how long this had lasted, but when her breathing had calmed, she finally lifted her head to look into Carol’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” she had croaked. “Carol, I’ve just missed you so much.”

“Please, Therese,” Carol’s thumb brushed across her cheek wiping away the last remnants of her tears, “don’t apologize. Don’t ever apologize. I— I’m the one who’s sorry.”

“Carol,” she’d ventured, “There are things I still want to talk about, things I need to ask you, tell you.“

“Of course, darling. I understand.”

“But do you think, just for right now, we might just lie here together. Will you just hold me for a bit?”

Carol cupped both her hands on either side of Therese’s chin before pulling her into a tight embrace once more. “Nothing would make me happier,” she whispered, and then even softer, almost as if to herself, “My angel.” She took Therese by the shoulders, guiding her back so they were looking at each other once more. “Why don’t you go freshen up in the bathroom, put some cool water on your face, and I’ll get a fire going.”

“Ok, but one thing first.”

Carol furrowed her brow. “What?”

“This.” Therese placed her hands on the sides of Carol’s head, fingers tangling in the blonde curls, and pulled her into a kiss. There was the briefest moment of surprise, and then Carol reacted, putting one hand to the small of Therese’s back and the other at her neck, pulling their bodies closer into each other.

They broke apart when Therese had felt something warm and wet on her cheek. She pulled back, embarrassed she had unwittingly begun crying again. However, looking across at a single glistening track running down into quivering, rouge lips, Therese realized it was Carol’s tear she had felt this time and not her own. As Carol had done for her, she brushed her fingers gently along Carol’s cheek and wiped it away.

“Let’s both of us not do any more crying tonight, alright?”

Carol nodded and tried to smile bravely. "Deal."

Therese placed one more swift kiss on Carol’s lips and whispered, “Be right back."

When Therese had returned, the lamplight in the living room had been replaced with a soft, orange glow. The air was still and quiet save for the soothing sound of the logs crackling in the grate. Therese was glad to see Carol smile up at her from the couch. Arranging herself against a corner with her long legs running the length of the couch, Carol had opened her arms wide to show where Therese should come lie. Therese had happily obliged and found herself blissfully cozy with the duel warmth of the fire and Carol’s arms wrapped snuggly around her.

At some point she must have dozed off. She remembered briefly coming to, who knows how much later; the coals were dying out, and the steady sounds of deep breathing above had told her that Carol too had fallen asleep. Not caring that they were both still fully clothed, Therese turned her body to burrow into Carol’s. She threw an arm around Carol's waist and pulled her closer, thinking about how she wanted to never, never let her go.

Therese abruptly dropped the silver hair brush as realization hit her like a cold and biting wind. You didn’t say you loved her back you idiot! Why didn’t you tell her you still loved her too?!

But instead of letting herself lose control again, Therese immediately came to a decision. She stood up straight, smoothed her dress and ran her fingers through her hair a few times. Well Carol, she thought, suddenly feeling revived by this new sense of determination, you aren’t getting rid of me that easily. I won’t make the same mistake twice, and this time, if I go, I go down fighting for you. Fighting for us, she amended.

Therese wondered if she should go try and find Carol, or if she should just wait at the apartment. She could call Abby and see if she would tell her where to find Carol, but Therese really wanted to keep this between just the two of them for now.

Lost in careful deliberation, her eyes settled on a little bottle of perfume that was sitting on the vanity. Therese undid the stopper without thinking and brought it to her nose. Carol’s rich, sensuous voice rung out it her head, “Would Mademoiselle be so kind as to apply to her pulse points only.” She closed her eyes and smiled, savoring the memory. She couldn’t stop herself from applying a little of the heavenly scent to her wrists and neck before putting the crystal bottle back.

Therese resolved to stay at the apartment. Carol would have to come back at some point. Mustering up all her will power, she headed back to the living room to await Carol.

Ambling over to the couch, she made to tidy up a bit. As she bent down to pick up the throw blanket, something white caught her eye, half buried in the blanket’s folds. She quickly snatched it up and turned it over to reveal the even, looping script she recognized as belonging to Carol:

‘Darling— Went to hunt down some coffee and breakfast for us. I’ll be back soon. Don’t go, please. I love you. - Carol'

Therese had to read the note several times over in order for the words to sink in, and eventually she let out a long breath she hadn’t realized she’d be holding in. She clutched the note to her chest, threw her head back, and started to giggle of all things. Allowing herself to sink backwards onto the couch, she looked down at the paper again, running her thumb back and forth over the part that said ‘I love you. - Carol’. Now she was laughing and crying all at once; her own ridiculousness that morning and all the relief she was feeling too much to hold in. Wiping the happy tears from her eyes, she completely missed the sound of a key scraping in the lock.

<->

Carol eased the door open with the quiet stealth of a burglar in the night, not wanting to alarm Therese if she was still asleep on the couch. Stepping out of her heels in the entryway, she crept into the living room, but found Therese sitting up on the couch. Her head was bowed, and she looked like she was shaking. Flinging the brown paper sack she was carrying into a nearby chair, Carol rushed over to Therese’s side. “My darling, oh my angel, what’s the matter?”

Therese raised her head and Carol was surprised to see that though Therese's eyes were glassy and shining, she was positively beaming. “Oh, nothing,” she said, running a finger under her bottom lashes. “I’m glad your back. I— I was just being silly.”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“Nothing. It’s just... I just… what I mean is… Carol.” She giggled and Carol was all the more perplexed.

Therese took a sharp breathe to center herself before continuing. She scooted closer to Carol and slowly reached over to grasp the collar of Carol’s coat with both her hands. “What I’m trying to say Carol, is that… I love you too. I never stopped.”

And with that, Therese pulled Carol into her and kissed her deeply.

Carol responded with zeal, pushing Therese backwards against the couch cushions and kissing her hard until the world around them fell away. She ran soft kisses along Therese’s jaw and then paused, her lips hovering just above Therese's. Their warm, rapid breathes mingled between them. “So,” she panted, “We love each other. What’s being silly about that?”

“Nothing,” Therese whispered, now sliding her arms through Carol’s to wrap them around her waist, and nuzzling her nose against Carol’s. “Absolutely nothing.”

Carol resumed working her way down Therese, determined to meet every inch of skin with her lips. When she reached Therese's neck, Carol stopped and pulled back. She raised one eyebrow and gave Therese a wry smile. “Darling,” she chimed, “you smell quite lovely, you know?”

Therese blushed at having been caught, but she was also enormously pleased Carol had noticed. “Carol,” she murmured, “take me to bed."


End file.
